Love Waits: Why God's Design for Intimacy Is Worth Fighting For

What if I told you that the very thing our culture sees as outdated and restrictive is actually the key to deeper intimacy and lasting joy? In a world where "trying before you buy" has become the norm for relationships, an ancient love song offers a radically different—and better—path forward.

Today's message is PG-13, not because what is going to be said is crass, but because the content focuses on a marriage relationship. This is part 2 of a series exploring an oft-neglected book of the Bible, the Song of Songs. The book is an ancient Near East love song that tells the story of a man and a woman: how their relationship begins, what changes when they marry, how to navigate conflict, and, ultimately, how they build a life together.

When Love Looks Like Superman

Last week our couple had expressed interest in one another, a desire to continue to get to know each other. And that they do. In fact, we get glimpses of their budding relationship.

The woman sees the man heading her direction, and she's clearly smitten. In Song of Songs 2:8b-9a, she describes him: "He is leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills. My lover is like a swift gazelle or a young stag."

He's impressive and he can do no wrong. She sees him as capable and athletic. If she were writing today, perhaps she would say he's "Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound."

And he's just as smitten. Perhaps you can recall the days of wanting (NEEDING) to spend time with the one you loved. In Song of Songs 2:14b, he says, "Let me see your face; let me hear your voice. For your voice is pleasant, and your face is lovely."

One summer Rebekah and I were separated by 153 miles. No worries, though, right. Lunch in a random city between here and there is just what the doctor ordered! We each drove half way and we satisfied that need for something more than chatting on AOL Instant Messenger.

The Radical Concept: Love Waits

It's not long until the woman in our story is dreaming about the future. There can't be a better catch than this! Their relationship is growing and, along with it, their desire for each other.

But twice we see this crucial phrase in Song of Songs 3:5b: "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

It's a reminder that we would do well to heed, a reminder that Love waits…

This is an important building block of a life that honors Christ. The idea dates back several thousand years to the people of Israel and, more recently, the formation of the early church. And the way it was lived out set the people of God apart. The early church was known for the way they treated others.

The historian Octavius wrote about early Christians saying that "They love one another…yet they are chaste." In other words, Christians loved their neighbors, but they didn't sleep with them. Their strong sexual ethic was a feature, not a bug!

God's Vision Is Bigger Than We Think

This idea that love waits is underscored in the relationship between the man and the woman. And I know you are on the edge of your seats to see what happens when they get married, but what didn't happen before they got married is just as important.

God's vision for sex is more than we settle for.

This man and this woman fought for purity. To see this come alive, let's backtrack to last week. The woman in our story is describing herself and she says in Song of Songs 1:6b: "My brothers were angry with me; they forced me to care for their vineyards, so I couldn't care for myself—my own vineyard."

The idea of a vineyard becomes a metaphor for her body and her sexuality. And protecting her vineyard is a theme that emerges.

In Song of Songs 2:15, we read: "Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!"

Fighting Off the Foxes

As their relationship progresses, the desire grows. She says that the grapevines are blossoming and the message is to keep the foxes away. The foxes are a nuisance to a farmer. They don't destroy things over night. Foxes come and go undetected, they destroy the roots of the vine and, over time, the vines die.

The foxes are the small compromises that quietly erode future intimacy. I am fully aware that the next few moments will make me old and out of touch and a prude. The next few moments may be uncomfortable. Why? Because sometimes conviction is uncomfortable, and the truth isn't always easy to hear. So let's power through that today and open our hearts to hear what God might have to say.

Today, we don't fend off the foxes, too often we welcome them. We have text conversations that are crude and impure. We send photos on Snapchat that seem innocent, but are revealing our bodies and our desires in a way that dishonors our own sexuality and dishonors God.

It's become socially acceptable, maybe even expected, that couples live together before marriage. I understand that people have circumstances and situations…I have compassion and I listen, but trying out marriage isn't God's design. Your potential spouse isn't a car for you to test drive.

And, it doesn't work! About 70% of couples live together before they get married. And, though it's counterintuitive, research from the Institute for Family Studies continues to show that couples who live together before marriage are 50% more likely to divorce than those who don't.

The Wedding Day Changes Everything

And that's exactly what our couple did. In fact, the woman is so proud of him, she calls out her friends to take a look. In Song of Songs 3:11, she says: "Come out to see King Solomon, young women of Jerusalem. He wears the crown his mother gave him on his wedding day, his most joyous day."

This is where things change. Remember, Love waits…until it's invited.

And in the context of a covenant relationship, a marriage, sex is meant to be enjoyed by two people.

Exclusivity leads to intimacy.

I get it. Polyamory, and non-monogamy, and throupling, and flings, experimentation, and pornography and spousal affairs are common…maybe even expected. But that's not the way of God. And I can promise you this, it's not God's best plan for your life.

What Happens on the Other Side

So what happens on the other side? What happens when these relationship principles are put into place and lived out? On the other side of their wedding, we see intimacy between this man and this woman grow.

Intimacy Deepens Through Delight

Just listen to the way this man talks to his wife in Song of Songs 4:1-2,4,7:

"You are beautiful, my darling, beautiful beyond words. Your eyes are like doves behind your veil. Your hair falls in waves, like a flock of goats winding down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are as white as sheep, recently shorn and freshly washed. Your smile is flawless, each tooth matched with its twin... Your neck is as beautiful as the tower of David, jeweled with the shields of a thousand heroes... You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way."

Solomon is enticed by what he sees and he lets her know it. The man delights in this woman. She has named the insecurity about the darkness of her skin, so this man tells her just how beautiful she is. She feels wanted and attractive. Intimacy deepens through delight.

The Invitation

But it's not just his desire that is growing, her attraction is growing as well, and she invites his advances. Intimacy is a two-way street.

In Song of Songs 4:16, she says: "Awake, north wind! Rise up, south wind! Blow on my garden and spread its fragrance all around. Come into your garden, my love; taste its finest fruits."

Up to this point, love has been restrained, protected, and honored. Now, for the first time, the bride offers an invitation. Intimacy here is not demanded or assumed. It is welcomed. The time is right and they are ready.

Fulfillment

And finally we see that intimacy leads to fulfillment. In Song of Songs 5:1a, we read: "I have entered my garden, my treasure, my bride!"

This single line tells us everything we need to know, without saying more than it needs to say. The waiting is over. The invitation has been given. And now the union is complete.

The Plot Twist: Grace for the Imperfect

This is all even more interesting when you consider who authored this book. His name is King Solomon. Solomon is the son of King David and the woman known as Bathsheba…David's birth was the result of adultery. And Solomon grew up to succeed his dad as the ruler of the Kingdom.

Solomon is known as the wisest man to ever live and let's just say he spread his wisdom far and wide with his 700 wives and 300 concubines. Yes, Solomon was in a relationship with 1000 women.

Does that make you scratch your head a bit? Do you wonder how to take the words about exclusivity and intimacy seriously when written by a man with 1000 relationships?

Many scholars believe that Solomon wrote this song in his later years, after the wreckage of his own choices was painfully clear. Rather than celebrating his own love life, Solomon wrote the Song to tell a better way. Solomon isn't the hero of this story, instead, the life of Solomon would serve as a cautionary tale.

Putting It Into Practice

Whether you're married, single, divorced or just someone who feels like you've failed... Solomon's Song of Songs is a reminder that you are never too far from God's grace. The message of the Song is not perfection, it is repentance. It is wisdom born not from success, but from failure.

That means this book was never meant only for people who "got it right." It was written, at least in part, for those who didn't.

The next time you are tempted to think that God is a cosmic kill-joy who doesn't want you to experience all life has to offer, remember this story. God is not anti-sex or anti-intimacy or anti-pleasure. He is pro-timing. He is pro-joy. He is pro-commitment. God is pro-wholeness.

God's design for marriage and intimacy isn't about limiting desire…it's about leading our desire to a place that's safe, whole, and lasting.

If you wish you'd done it differently, God's grace is for you. If you are looking for strength to live this out, God's grace is for you. If you have regrets and shame, God's grace is for you. If your heart's desire is for a relationship like this, God's grace is for you.

This story has meaning on 2 levels. There is the practical relationship advice, some principles about growing in intimacy AND there is a reminder that God sees you and he desires you. Your struggles, your trials, your shortcomings, they don't cause him to look away. Jesus wants to have a relationship with you. Today, Jesus is saying, "Follow me…"