Love That Endures: Handling conflict in marriage

Have you ever wondered what keeps love alive when the feelings fade and real life sets in? After more than 40 years of preaching, I recently did something I'd never done before – I preached on Song of Songs while talking about my own marriage. And what I discovered in those ancient love poems might just transform how you think about relationships.

Meeting My Beautiful Wife

My wife is bright, beautiful, and articulate. She has the most beautiful brown eyes. They're like pools of Hershey chocolate. And she has a sparkling personality. She has a smile that lightens a room and a laugh that is infectious. She's also the doctor in the family – a doctor of physical therapy, while I'm just the reverend.

You're probably wondering, how did she end up with him? Don't forget I'm persuasive. But here's the truth: neither one of us are very easy to live with, because as beautiful as she is, she is fiery and feisty and ornery sometimes.

This coming Wednesday, we celebrated 42 years of marriage. And it would have been impossible... if not for the grace of God and the commitment to see it through.

The Danger of Deferred Love: Three Scenes from Song of Songs

The longest section in Song of Songs, found in chapters 5 and 6, tells a story that every couple needs to understand. It unfolds in three powerful scenes that reveal both the beauty and fragility of love.

Scene One: A Knock at the Door

The woman speaks first: "I slept, but my heart was awake. Listen, my beloved is knocking" (Song of Songs 5:2). Then we hear Solomon's passionate voice: "Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one. For my head is wet with dew, my locks with the drops of the night" (Song of Songs 5:2).

Picture this: His bride hears the knocking. This is pursuit. This is real, passionate pursuit. It's intimacy, a longing, a connection. But her response? "I had put off my garment. How could I put it on again? I had bathed my feet. How could I soil them?" (Song of Songs 5:3).

She has not refused. She has deferred, you see? And there's a danger in that. It's a little like saying, I'm tired, I have a headache. Let's talk about it in the morning.

Scene Two: A Point of Awakening and Awareness

Something shifts in her heart: “My beloved thrust his hand into the opening. And my inmost being yearned for him" (Song of Songs 5:4). She finally responds, taking time to perfume her hands before opening the door.

But when she opens it: "My beloved had turned and was gone. My soul failed me when he spoke. I sought him but did not find him. I called him, but he gave no answer" (Song of Songs 5:6).

Do you sense the sadness? She finally opens the door. Her own longing and desire has been awakened. She expects him to be standing there and he has already departed. She took too long.

Scene Three: The Search

Desperate now, she enlists help: "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved, tell him this. I am faint with love" (Song of Songs 5:8). The poem ends with her declaring, "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine" (Song of Songs 6:3), but we're left wondering if it's too late.

The Deadly Assumption We All Make

It's so easy to defer in a relationship. And why? Because we always assume we have enough time. This assumption has caused more heartbreak than I can count.

One of the points of real pain for me in ministry... is when I do a funeral and someone had died and left behind loved ones that had never articulated the feelings of their heart, had never realized, recognized the shortness of time, and acted decisively in order to say what they felt needed to be said.

Ask yourself: What have you left unsaid to those you love? That you'd be terrified of dying, never having articulated the feelings of your heart and soul.

Paul's Practical Guide to Lasting Love

This ancient love story connects beautifully with Paul's famous words in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8: "Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It's not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

Love Is More Than a Feeling

We think love is that feeling we had for that person in the third grade, that boy or girl that caught our eye... We think that love is a feeling and it's not love. Love that is true is so much more than just a feeling. It's an action. It's choosing to love someone when you don't feel like it.

It's looking at someone who doesn't look their best with bed head and everything else, and they have a breath that will knock you over. And you say, this is the love of my life. Don't you see? It's so much more than a feeling. It's a choice to act in love.

Creating Heaven or Hell in Your Relationships

Recently, my wife and I witnessed a couple in an airport lounge who were nasty to each other. The way they spoke to each other was so dishonoring and disrespectful... They were equally culpable.

Watching them, I realized: I'm convinced that the way you live and love and the way you act and interact with you either create a space around you that is a glimpse of heaven or hell. And you choose.

Putting It Into Practice: Three Essential Takeaways

Guard Your Words

Words are like arrows and once you fire them, you can never retrieve them... Your words, once they are given flight, can wound up and there's nothing you can do to retrieve them. Guard your words, because your words can be eternal.

Your spouse, your children, your parents, those you love may never forget what you unthinkingly say in anger.

Fight Fair

If you're in love and if you're a strong-willed soul, you're going to fight, you're going to have arguments. It's inevitable... When you fight, fight fair. That means honor and respect, even in the adversity and the conflict.

Conflict in marriage is not only inevitable, but it doesn't need to be unhealthy in a marriage if you do it with honor and respect.

Keep Short Accounts

Life is short, and you don't want to miss the opportunity to create the love that imitates Christ and communicates heaven.

Early in our marriage, my wife and I had a fight, one of those fights that was just heartbreaking... And we were messing it up fairly routinely. A day or two later, she gave me a beautiful Hallmark card.

The front of the card, it simply said, I'm sorry. And then you opened the card, and the inside read, I wish I could take back the moment that caused the hurt. Since I can't, I want you to know how deeply sorry I am. You matter to me more than my mistake, and I hope in time you'll find it in your heart to forgive me. And it was signed, with all my love, Jim.

Wait – she signed my name to an apology card for me! I couldn't make this up. This is the absolute truth.

The Beautiful Result

Because we've learned these lessons, "2 years later, I love my wife more than I loved her the day I proposed that she become my bride.

My prayer for you is that your love will be strong and rich. The times of conflict will not be times of conquest, but instead times of sweet surrender and reconciliation.

Whether you're married, single, divorced, or widowed, these principles apply to every relationship in your life. Because ultimately, every earthly relationship is but a shadow, an image of the relationship of love that we have with God. When we learn to love like Christ loves us, we create glimpses of heaven right here on earth.